Deep Thoughts with Kenneth

As many of those who know Michele and me will atest to, we are planners. That's not to say we get all of what we plan done mind you, we are simply developing a parallel life on paper in the form of lists. When in art school it occurred to me to start saving my lists, thereby retaining the genealogy of the lists I write today. You see a list is a funny thing, no list ever actually is completed. By the time a list is half way done I usually find it's been added to and scribbled at so much it's nearly illegible, so I copy the remaining items onto a new list, only to repeat the cycle in a few days. It's a difficult habit because you never feel like you're done. In a culture where productivity is a measure of worth it can feel defeating to not be able to conquer a single 4"x6" sheet of paper (I prefer side-ring pocket notebooks and ball point Bic pens). It's a relentless existence, and it's mostly inside my head. The question is, am I working for the list or is the list working for me? Ultimately I have to admit it's a relationship of addiction and dependence. I try to go for a few days without a list, and then it all crashes down on me at a pivotal moment of remembering things I don't trust myself not to forget. It's funny how my lists, which I'd like to think make me more efficient, are actually the result of a lack of trust in myself and my environment. It's not as if I clear my mind of the things on the list, oh no, I continue thinking about them over and over, double and triple checking that certain items are actually written down and that I didn't imagine them. It's a silly business and I often wonder, if I took all that worry time and just got the thing done, maybe I'd be more productive and not have this list-issue hanging over my psyche. But then the 4footx 6foot notepad in my head saddles up to me, its wirey sidering on my shoulder, and peering down at me its other arm (a huge Bic pen) writes on its face of blue lines a frown and teardrop eyes, and I think maybe this time we can work it out, we're not through yet. And then, post self-argument, I sit down with my pen and pad and recopy my list for tommorrow.

P.S.-Yes, this is the kind of thing I think about when I travel.